You don't Know What's Good for Bad
by OceansGratitude
Summary: A collection of one-shots about that one blue guy you've probably heard of. Chapter 6: Post Operation
1. Surgeon

Megamind was not a brain surgeon.

Not certified, not technically. He could handle blood, but he didn't like cutting flesh, and _certainly_ not bone. His hands shook just thinking about sawing through the skull, that tiny eggshell. You could never see how deep you were cutting, how hard you were supposed to press. And the _pieces_ and the _dust_ and the _sound_.

"It's okay, sir," said Minion.

Megamind knew how nervous Minion was. He was trying to hide it, but he was overcompensating. He held too still, and his voice was almost flat. His orb was sitting in the folds of a towel to keep it from rolling.

Megamind taped all the wires and extension cords safely to the floor. He closed the windows, locked the door, and turned the humidifier on. Five brain bots were standing by, watching him anxiously.

All the tools were clean and ready. He laid them open and showed Minion. He explained in a trembling voice what each of them was for, and what he was going to do. Minion already knew, because they had gone through it countless times together, but his eyes were a little too wide.

"Yep, you got this sir. You've taken the class, you've gotten a little practice, and you're way more qualified to do this than anyone else. Plus I-I'm a tough fish, right, sir?"

"Tougher than anyone else I know, Minion," said Megamind. He turned on the mist machine, and the thin spray of cool water moistened the air. He'd have to turn it off once the brain was exposed, but for now it would make things a little bit easier.

He wandered around the room a bit longer, cleaning things, moving things, making sure everything was perfect and within reach, and that nothing could possibly go wrong. What was the fire extinguisher doing all the way over there? Better go get that...

Minion watching him, fluttering his fins. "Um, everything okay?"

Now he was scrubbing the sink. "Yup! Or course! Perfect! Just getting ready."

"The brain bots already cleaned the sink, sir."

"That was hours ago! And how do we know they got the drain? It must be checked Minion. Ah! I need to disable the garbage disposal. Don't want that to go off if you get stuck in there, right?"

"Sir! I'm not going to end up in the drain! Are you even going to use that sink?"

Sticking out his lip, Megamind turned on the water and very deliberately washed his hands under it.

"Heh!" Minion laughed despite himself. He swam in a tight circle around the orb and sank to the bottom, partly concealed behind the towel. Megamind frowned, drying his hands quietly. He clopped over to the table and hesitated, staring at the top of Minion's head.

"You okay?"

"Mmhmm."

If Megamind was scared, Minion must be terrified. He put a hand on the glass, rubbing softly so Minion would hear him. He forced a grin. "After this implant, you'll be able to control your body all by yourself. No more remote, Minion! You'll be your own man! But it can wait i-if you want. I wouldn't mind a little more practice, heheh, but, I mean, if you're ready..."

Minion shifted, hiding his face against the bowl. "I'm ready, just really nervous, sir. Sorry..."

"Yeah, it's okay," said Megamind. "I am too."

He stared at Minion's head. The scales between his upper fins were hard and flat, like a smooth, shiny helmet. Those would have to be removed before he could start cutting. He'd damage as few as possible, but the interlocking pattern could cause complications...

"There might be some scarring," he said. "But I think the scales will grow back."

"I'm okay with that," whispered Minion.

"I think you're skull will repair itself similarly to a human, with a little bit of glue and all that, but I've engineered some medicines that should help speed the process, if necessary."

"Thank you, sir."

"Yeah, I... Are you okay? Can you look at me?"

Minion hesitated, then looked up. His eyes were wide and shining. His entire tiny body was locked with tension.

Megamind opened up the glass orb and put a hand supporting hand on Minion's side. "I'm sorry we couldn't get anyone else to do this for you. I don't trust anyone else with this, but if you're not comfortable, we can see if we can kidnap someone and maybe get them to make sure I'm doing it right..."

"No," whispered Minion. "I trust you, sir. You know what you're doing, you've practiced. B-but I'm just a tiny fish! F-fish aren't built for this, our bones don't heal when they're broken-"

"Yours do."

Minion's lip began to tremble. He gasped involuntarily and hid his face again. "We don't know what mine can do! I'm a mystery! I'm sorry, sir, I know we've done X-rays and MRIs and things, but those aren't meant for fish, and we don't know how accurate they are! I'm sorry, sir! I don't wanna make you do this if you're scared, and I don't want you to be alone-"

"No, Minion! I can handle it. You'll go to sleep for a few hours, and you'll wake up nice and cozy in the big tank, and I'm going to be right there with you. Everything is going to be fine. Right?"

Minion whimpered and pushed back against his hand. "I really wanna control my own body, sir."

"I know."

He lifted Minion out of the bowl and set him down carefully in a deep plastic basin. He closed little metal braces securely around Minion's head to keep him still. His wide amber eyes watched Megamind's shaking hands.

"D-do you wanna turn on some music like usual, sir? T-to help you stay calm?"

Megamind stretched a surgical mask over the lower half of his face and slipped gloves on under the table as quietly as he could. "I'm not sure that would be appropriate."

"I guess not..."

He took the sterile syringe, full of sedative, and put a hand over Minion's head, holding his left fin steady between his fingers so he could insert the needle into his soft side. They could feel each other trembling.

"When this is over," Megamind's voice was muffled by the mask. "We're gonna build you the coolest robot body ever, okay?"

"Can't wait," Minion gasped.

Megamind squeezed the syringe the tiniest bit. Very little was needed. "I love you, you courageous carnivore."

"I love... you too... sir..."


	2. Professor of Theater

**_AN: An AU based off one of the old prompts on Archive of Evil's tumblr blog. What if Megamind was a college professor? Well I've never been to college before, but at least I tried. Review if you like it, and feel free to leave more prompts if you have any fun ideas!_**

"Opera class? Is this opera class? I didn't sign up for opera class!"

Metroman rolled his eyes at Roxanne, pulling her hands off of his white polo shirt. "It's theater class, Roxie, geez. He just talks about opera. You'll like the professor, trust me. We do fun projects like writing our own monologues and stuff. You don't have to be in the plays if you don't audition."

Roxanne groaned. Her journalism professor had gotten a little too excited when she told him she wanted to be a TV reporter, and had immediately suggested taking a performance class as an elective. Once she told Metroman, he had begged her to enroll in this particular one, since he was in it too. "You'll love it so much! And it always helps to have a familiar face in the crowd, you know, for when you get, uh, nervous."

They waited outside, sheltered by the shadow of the building, which was apart from the rest of the university. It looked older than the other buildings. The door was locked. A line of students was waiting against the wall, growing impatient and frustrated. "He always does this on the first day," explained Metroman. "He's getting ready."

"Ready for what?"

Someone shouted as smoke began to seep out from under the door. Metroman grinned.

The rumble of electric guitar, growing so subtily that Roxanne hadn't heard it at first, finally began blasting when the drums picked up. She laughed in surprise as the door burst open, releasing a torrent of swirling smoke and beams of red and blue lights.

"WELCOME, ADULT CHILDREN," a rich, theatrical voice thundered, amplified by speakers. The students were impressed into hesitance. "PLEASE STEP INSIDE AND TAKE YOUR SEATS, FOR THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!"

Roxanne shyly stuck her head forward, peering over shoulders into the strange atmosphere of the old theater. Metroman pushed through and pulled Roxanne in by the hand, grinning back at her excitedly. "Come on!"

Laughing nervously, she allowed him to pull her in, stepping through into a rush of cold air. She could see the slender silhouette of someone on the stage, pacing with controlled energy. Metroman was leading her to the very front.

"I see you people trying to hide in the back row! Yes, lets bring it up, please, thank you. First four rows if you don't mind. Yes, that's good."

They sat down and got situated. Noticing the goosebumps on Roxanne's arms, Metroman offered his hoodie, which she accepted by thrusting her arms through the sleeves, wearing it backwards. She glanced around, taking in her surroundings. There was another set of chairs above them, and spotlights in the back. The smoke machines right by the entrance were dying down, allowing the air to clear. It smelled like paint and hot glass.

Metroman, bouncing both his legs excitedly, ginned over at her. "This is sooo my favorite class!"

She leaned against his arm, smiling back. "More than choir?"

"Haha shut up."

On the stage, cast in strange blue light and the last few curls of vanishing smoke, Roxanne observed the professor, who was watching his class settle with amusement. The lights made his skin look blue, and reflected off the shining black material of his waistcoat. Underlights defined the the curvature of his neck, face, and slowly growing grin.

"Oh no," Roxanne whispered. "He's _hot!_ "

Metroman snorted, "Oh my gosh." He covered his face in his hands to hide his embarrassment, laughing. "I'll remind you you said that at the end of the semester. Heheheh! "

"But look at him, he's freaking gorgeous! Is that a turban?"

"Nope, just his giant head."

"There's no need for sarcasm."

"Sarcasm?"

"Good Evening, students! My name is Megamind," said the professor, stepping lightly towards the apron of the stage, with a microphone held to his mouth. "You may call me Professor, or you may call me Megamind, but not both please. That's really long and weird."

That was a weird name. And was the microphone really necessary? She was pretty sure there was no one in the seats above them.

"In this class we will be exploring the GENIUS TECHNIQUES of theater! We'll talk about historical importance and all that, blah, blah, but mostly I wanna nail down different methods for different settings and different effects, you know, like how to perform for different audiences, how to use the light to your best advantage, how to be heard outdoors, etcetera, etcetera. I'm pretty good at that stuff myself, in case none of you had noticed."

" _Whoo!_ " Metroman shouted loudly. Roxanne hid her face in her hands.

"Oh no," Megamind turned to look at them, sitting together at the edge of the room, apart from most of the other students. "I have to deal with _you_ again this semester?"

"I brought you popcorn like I said I would!" Metroman exclaimed. He dug in his backpack and lo and behold, he withdrew a bag of popcorn.

"No one likes a suckup, Mr. Scott!"

"Yes you do!" he shouted back, waving the popcorn above his head. "I'm his favorite," he told Roxanne smugly.

"Whatever. Gimme."

Metroman threw the bag of popcorn over several people's heads, and Megamind caught it deftly. He seemed to debate for a moment whether to eat it now or later, but then shrugged and opened the bag. People in the audience to Roxanne's right began giggling. He gestured towards her. "Congrats on the lady friend. Did good with that one."

Roxanne blushed and looked away. To her left, Wyne stuttered, "Oh, we're not, well, uh, not really…"

"Close friends," Roxanne said, gesturing between them.

The giggling increased. Megamind crunched into another handful. "Uh huh," he said disbelievingly. He set the bag down on the stool behind him and ran the back of his hand over his mouth. Then he wandered back center stage and clapped his hands.

"Now then, I wanna do a couple opening exercises to get you all excited! Let's do tongue twisters! Repeat after me…"


	3. Old Friends

Megamind looked back over his shoulder. He was still standing in front of the door. He'd been standing here for a long while. Roxanne was watching him from the car, a smile across her face.

He waved at her awkwardly. She waved back and gestured to the door, nodding encouragingly. It some reason she seemed excited, anticipating. That wasn't helping.

It was Roxanne's idea for Megamind to put himself on the spot like this. Apparently you couldn't just say 'Hey warden, im srry 4 trning evil, promis im good now' over text. So now he actually had to go in and talk to the warden. Face to face. At his _house_. Megamind was pretty sure he'd never even been to his own father figure's house before.

What was _with_ that thorn bush? Was it _supposed_ to remind him of barbed wire?

He turned back to Roxanne. She looked impatient. He sent her a please-don't-make-me-do-this grimace.

She made that gesture again. With a sigh, Megamind turned back to the door. His hand was working against his will, reaching for the doorbell.

The crunch of gravel sounded behind him, and his head whipped around. Roxanne was pulling out of the driveway.

"W-wait, no!" He turned where he stood and reached out. "Roxanne, don't-!"

She smiled apologetically out the window, and Megamind noticed a different car pull around her in. Crap, the Warden was just getting home! He bit his lip and grabbed the edges of his cape, not sure what to do.

He was spotted immediately, and he and the warden both very awkwardly avoided eye contact as the warden parked his car and made his way to the porch, keys clenched in one hand. Megamind stepped aside to allow him to unlock the door, which he did quickly and without a word.

"Megamind. Can I help you?"

He stepped inside, glancing back at him with half-lidded eyes. He stood to the side of the door, kind of inviting him in, kind of not, Megamind couldn't tell…?

"I was just, uh, well, I wanted to… I mean…"

A familiar raised eyebrow almost made him laugh. Gosh, that would be so inappropriate right now.

"I wanted to apologize, um, for, I guess… everything?"

The warden was unfazed. "Great. Didn't you do that already? I heard every word you said to Minion. It was all very sincere. Good job. Okay, bye now."

He closed the door quickly, brushing Megamind with a puff of air-conditioned air that quickly evaporated in the summer heat.

"Wait! Warden! Come on! I'm sorry!" He crammed his face into the window by the door. "Warden?"

The blinds were closed. Warden's shadow was no longer visible through the glass. "I'm not your warden anymore, kid!" his gruff voice said him.

He wasn't? That… had not actually occurred to him. Megamind pulled back in amazement, trying to understand the implications of this. "Okay… but you're still, like… my dad, right?"

There was silence for a while. The air conditioner of the neighbor's house turned on, buzzing loudly. Megamind stood unsurely.

The door opened again, and the warden sighed. "You're serious about going good?"

"Yes!" Megamind nodded eagerly. "So brilliantly good! For real! You believe me?"

"Yeah, I believe you."

"YAAA-"

"But I don't forgive you."

"Aw."

He stepped out, closing the door behind him, and poked Megamind hard in the chest. "You have been nothing but trouble since the first time you broke out. You put my prison in danger, put my job in danger, put _me_ in danger. _You tazed me!_ "

"Well, you've tazed me lots of times," defended Megamind.

Warden threw his hands up in the air. "You were a prisoner! Trying to escape! You are lucky I was around, or you probably would have been shot! You've been selfish and stupid and childish and I am fffff-"

Megamind's eyes widened. The warden barely caught himself.

"-fffed up. _Very_ fed up."

"Yeah, okay," Megamind held out his hands placatingly. "I've come to apoligize for that. I've been… unwise and careless, and I'm sorry. I just wanted to make it up to you."

The warden sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, okay. Great."

"So, I mean…" Megamind glanced down at his boots. "Will you… are you my dad again?"

The look warden was giving him. "Am I your dad again?! What on earth do you expect?! For me to play ball with you!?"

"Yes…?"

Warden raised an eyebrow again.

Megamind plowed on almost frantically "Well, I, I mean, I don't have a ball with me. But we could just use something small like a beanbag or… uh… a stressball?"

"How about no."

"Yeah, okay," He fidgeted nervously. "Right. Why would you even have a stressball? Heheh, but I could dehydrate something and we could use the cube…?"

"I don't wanna play ball with you," said the warden. "I have other things to do. Goodbye, Megamind."

The door closed, this time for good.

Megamind felt his lip begin to tremble. He glanced back at Roxanne, who was watching from the car. She rolled down the window.

"How'd it go?" she called out to him.

"I'm not sure…?"

"Okay, well, get back to the car. We can try again some other time. He'll come around."

Biting his lip, Megamind obeyed, running across the weedy yard. Roxanne rolled up her window as he slammed the door behind him.

"You wanna pick the music on the way home?" she offered.

"How about we don't listen to music, and we just brood in silence, hmm?"

"Was it that bad?"

He sighed as they pulled out, rubbing his forehead. "I don't know. He's always kinda… gruff? And he didn't actually say he didn't want me around. I just embarassed myself, and he just, I don't know, blew me off."

"Is that all?"

"Pretty much."

She glanced at him. He was hunched over, looking out the window.

He sighed as they passed the prison, with its tall concrete walls and iron gates. Warden lived close to his work, out of the city borders. It was a dirt road Megamind had been on many times, back and forth from cell to city. He knew that he rolled down the window he'd be able to smell the wild grasses and the cloud of dust the hovered constantly over the ground. As well as the cigarette smoke.

Was this homesickness? He wasn't sure. It was just odd that since he was a hero, he wouldn't be coming here much anymore. He'd be on the other side of the law. If warden wanted nothing to do with him now, what would his uncles say?

"Do you want to stop?" asked Roxanne.

"No," Megamind groaned. "All my old friends will hate me! Ugh! You have no idea."

There were very few other cars on the road. Roxanne turned to Megamind and put a hand on his knee. "I don't think it's as bad as that, Megs," she said. "Have you talked to any of your underground contacts since you switched sides?"

He smiled a little. "Most of the mobs have disbanded. I had almost total control over them before, and now that I'm openly against them, the weaker ones are moving shop. The rest of them still have to meet my expectations. They don't like it, but they're used to it by now, I guess."

"That's great, but… I mean, do you still have friends there?"

He sneered. "Most of my old friends are the ones who left. Didn't trust me to protect them after the switch. Jerks."

"Well, you know, nobody really expected you to turn around like that. The warden's probably upset about, you know, being a villain, but everybody else probably just doesn't know what to think! You haven't been talking to anybody, so how are they supposed to know you don't hate them all of a sudden?"

He moaned and put his head to his knees. Roxanne moved her hand to rub his back. "You know what?" she said. "Let's make some calls and visit some of your old friends. I bet your uncles would love to see you, and it wouldn't hurt to have some of the underground back on your side, right? You always loved having that influence."

"I don't like this!" He suddenly shouted. "My whole life I've been all, ' _everybody hates me_ ,' and now that everybody loves me, all I want is my old friends back!"

He moaned dramatically, and Roxanne gave his shoulder a few firm pats. "Life is hard, sweetie. Got your phone with you?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's call Musicman."

"NO."

"Come on Megs, talk to the nice hermit. You can do it."

"Metroman and I were destined to be enemies!" he shouted seriously. "That hasn't changed!"

She tried to grab his phone from him, but huffed when he pulled away. "We make our own destinies, remember?" she said. "Also, he goes by Musicman now."

He groaned. "Of all the idiotic- FINE! I'll call him."

He dialed the number. The phone rang twice, and then Met-Music-Metro…? The hermit picked up.

" _Hey little buddy!_ "

"See? Doesn't that sound friendly?"

"No eavesdropping!" hissed Megamind, bringing the phone closer to his ear. Curse this outdated technology and uselessness of its volume settings!

"Ask him if you're still friends,"

"Roxanne! We are _men_. Men don't talk about friendship."

"Fine. Ask if he's your bro."

He glared at her and adjusted the phone against his ear, turning towards the window. "Musicman, are you my bro?"

" _Sure, bro._ "

"No, ew! Don't _call_ me bro! We can be bros without referring to one another by the term. That's what Minion and I do."

" _Um, okay? Wait! Oh my gosh! Are we bros the same way that you and Minion are bros? Are you letting me in on the bro-hood or something?!_ "

"What?! Nononono! That's a _waaaay_ higher tier of brotherhood, my friend. Like, _good luck_ getting on our level."

Roxanne laughed, slapping his arm. "Megamind!"

"What? Me and Minion are best friends!"

As Megamind and Musicman continued to yell at one another over the phone, Roxanne leaned back in her seat, relaxing both hands on the steering wheel. "You'll be just fine," she chuckled.

 _ **A.N. Yep! Longest one so far! Hope you liked it. Because unfortunately, I'm going to be gone all week for summer camp. :( I'll hopefully have a really nice idea to write when I come back, but in the meantime, please let me know what you think and give me an idea of what you would like to see next!**_


	4. A Walk in the Dark

_**AN: I'm back! And with another long one to make up for all the time I was gone! I've got a few others in the works, since these next few are inspired by my funtimes at camp, but this one got so long I decided to post it**_ ** _independently_** _ **. Thanks for all the reviews! It was really nice coming back to that.**_

 ** _You may notice that the wildlife here is different from what you would expect in Michigan (it seems to be generally accepted that Metro City is somewhere in Michigan) but that's just because I'm Texan, and it's a ton easier to write what you know. Not to mention Texas is awesome. ;) It shouldn't effect too much except for what the wildlife looks like, so please don't worry about it. Leave a review and tell me what you think, and what you'd like to see next!_**

"I can't believe they left us! Well, I mean, I'd believe that Musicman left us, but _Minion?_ Treachery!"

Though Roxanne rolled her eyes at Megamind, she was pretty irritated too. After dinner, the four of them had wandered off to the archery range for and "ultimate showdown" between Megamind and Musicman, which she and Minion had watched with amusement. Megamind had won by a landslide, and had been so obnoxious about it that it was impossible for Roxanne _not_ to challenge him.

She and Megamind had spent the next four hours giggling and shouting dramatically at each other as they shot arrows across the field. Minion and Musicman had gotten bored and wandered off to get ice cream or something. They were supposed to come back and get the two before it got dark, but it wasn't until they could no longer see the targets then they realized it was past time.

Roxanne's flashlight was cheap and dim, and only lit a tiny bit of ground in front of them. She held it up at a high angle so they would be able to see any snakes stretched out across the path, sucking up the last bit of heat from the gravel. "Don't you have your flashlight?" she asked.

"Minion has it," he said, the shadow of his head turning nervously. "You don't think… someone's gonna try to jump out and scare us, do you?

Biting her lip, Roxanne held a hand out to stop Megamind as she did a quick search in the trees around them with her light. Those scraggly, strange, dried-up desert trees. "I don't think so," she said quietly.

"Well good!" Megamind said with deliberate volume. "Because I would TOTALLY PUNCH THEM."

A long-legged lizard zipped across the path in front of them. Roxanne and Megamind both jumped and grabbed one another's arms.

"Right," said Roxanne sarcastically. "I feel so safe."

"Yeah, well," Megamind brushed himself off. "It's not lizards we should worry about- it's snakes! So keep that flashlight straight, my dear!"

She held the flashlight high and aimed down as she walked quickly, trying to avoid the sharp shadows. She could sense Megamind's nervousness as he elbow as he hung close. "The snakes should hear us coming before we actually see them," she said. "We'll be fine. Wanna sing a song?"

"Sing?" he asked. "Why?"

"The louder the better. You pick one. Go ahead and start."

Stepping quickly, she heard him hesitantly sing, "do, a deer, a female deer…"

Roxanne smiled encouragingly and joined, "ray, a drop of gleaming sun,"

They turned along the road, away from the lights of the camp, towards the woody path that led to their cabin. The colorful wildflowers that lined the gravel during the day now appeared alarmingly bristly and thorny.

"Me, a name I call myself," Megamind slowly gained confidence.

"Fa, a long long way to- STOP!"

Megamind jumped and shouted. Roxanne grabbed his shoulder and yanked him back, pulling him close. Her other arm was straight and tense, aiming the flashlight down.

The light had cast a line of shadows on the stony ground. Roxanne stared for a moment and then breathed in relief. "I'm sorry," she laughed. "I thought I saw a snake."

"You- I- c-calm down, you crazy lady! Ugh, you scared me so bad!"

She rubbed his shoulder gently, trying to calm herself down as well. "Sorry! It was just the shadows!" She laughed as he jumped at her touch. "It's okay, Megs."

She heard his heavy breathing. She could see his eyes turned towards her, reflecting yellow like an animal, but she was pretty sure his nightvision wasn't much better than hers. He groaned in distress, looking at her flashlight.

"You wanna hold it?" she asked, offering the light in an outstretched hand. "Would that make you feel better?"

"No, I'll be fine. How about next time you think you see a snake, you don't shout at the top of your lungs?" He sniffed and grumbled, "that would provoke it anyway."

Roxanne remembered something they had seen together on Doctor Who. Mischieviously, she whispered, "And let's not forget to count the shadows…"

Megamind lost it.

"NOPE. Nopenopenopenope let's go back, we are going back, we'llsleepinthemesshallthere'slightsinthere…"

He tried to grab her flashlight, and Roxanne cried out, pulling it away from him. For a moment, they were cast into darkness, and Megamind _wailed_.

She smacked his shoulder, pulling the light back between them. "Watch it!" she warned. She grabbed his shoulders and held him still. "It's okay, Megamind, I'm sorry, I didn't think that would scare you so bad..."

" _NOT_ scare me!" He grabbed at her hand desperately. "You, ma'am, are evil! EVIL! Weeeeh, I wanna go home..."

"Sh sh sh! We've already covered a lot of ground, we might as well go the rest of the way. Come on, it's okay…"

Megamind groaned and covered his face.

Roxanne's light began to flicker.

Oh no.

"Alright," she grabbed his hand. "Let's sing another song,"

" _You_ sing another song. I'm done."

She dragged him along, and tried to think of something else to sing. She couldn't remember any lyrics to any songs. She broke into a jog, and she could barely hear Megamind's breathing over her own.

"Why are you running?"

They reached a fork. Roxanne took a right. She was pretty sure they were supposed to take a right. The tiny circle on the road made the pebbles look like crawling beetles, bubbles in a boiling pot. "It's okay, come on, it's okay. The faster we get this over with, the better, right?"

"Okay..."

He started to jog with her, and the crunching or their feet on the gravel started to make a consistent pattern that reminded her of the pattern of a horse's hooves. He let go of her hand.

The light flickering

"I'm trying not to think," he panted, "of every creepy pasta I've ever read, heheh!"

She had thought he was running behind her on the left, but his voice was coming from the right.

Light flickering.

"And the uh, dark alley assaults, and all those things you hear in prison about what happens to people when they're at the wrong place at night."

"I'm gonna have to stop you there," she gasped.

"Yeah, okay."

There was a long shadow in the road. It snapped out of their path, slithering out of sight in the blink of an eye. They pressed on.

Flickering.

"I'm sorry I scared you before."

"No, sorry, it's not your fault. I'm… not familiar with forests, I guess."

"Did you see that snake?"

"Yes."

Flick-

Roxanne slid to a stop, and Megamind's footsteps faded to silence.

Another fork. She didn't recognize this one. The road was crossed perpendicularly at a T, and in front of them stood some small watertower.

"Wrong way…"

His footsteps behind her paced from her right to her left. His breathing by her ear, "What's wrong with your light?"

Flickering

"Hurry!"

The backtracked, and the gravel seemed less stable than it was before. Rocks rolled, and She heard Megamind trip behind her.

"Megs?!"

"I'm okay!" he was right behind her. _Right_ behind her.

Light flickering.

"Who else is there!" she hollered, and turned to shine the light right into Megamind's face. His eyes reflected it back, red in his pupils, yellow in his irises, wide with terror.

"What?! Who-?"

He ran right into her, and they both fell over.

The light went out.

A tangle of hot limbs and stones and dust and bugs, and Roxanne screamed and shoved him away. She could hear him wheezing and struggling, and that was probably her screaming. She snapped her jaw shut and covered her mouth with her hands.

"Oh no," that was his voice, full of fear. "Roxanne, t-turn it back on…"

She whimpered and pressed the button again. And again and again.

"It's the battery…!"

Two strong hands snatched the useless flashlight from her, and she could hear it being scraped open, and the batteries slid out. Something large and sticky crawled across her hand, and she shrieked, jumping to her feet. Clicking.

There was a flash of light, and she could see Megamind's blue face lit up in that familiar look of concentration, his eyebrows tight, and his tongue curled up around his lip. Then it was gone.

All that was left was a distorted afterimage, which slid up and down her vision.

Click, the flashlight closed, and he grabbed her hand. He gave her the flashlight, and turned it on.

"It won't last long. We'll have to run."

She pointed it at him as he stood up. The light bounced off the shine of his leather suit, and his long-fingered hands opened to shield his face as he squinted. Behind him, where she could see nothing but the water tower. And his long shadow.

"Okay."

They ran. Roxanne focused on her breathing, and the pattern of their footsteps, and the crickets.

The rattle of a poinsonous snake.

"Watch it!" He grabbed her hand. She panted and stared at the coiled serpent, and let him guide her around, giving it a wide berth. Diamondback. "Slowly. It's okay…-!"

Suddenly, Megamind shrieked.

It raised its head and opened its mouth. The glint of fangs!

"Shh! Megamind, come on!"

She tightened her grip on his hand and slowly took the lead, going around the snake, getting away. She sped up again.

"Sorry! Something really big was crawling on my neck."

"I felt something like that too, earlier," she said.

"What?"

The light began flickering again.

"I can't save the battery again, we have to run the rest of the way!"

Their footsteps were fast and loud, consistent in pattern, and long lithe shadows of snakes and lizards and bugs sometimes flickered on the edge of the circle of light. They slowed down when appropriate, and Roxanne felt Megamind's hand squeezing hers.

The gravel road straightened out, trees and cacti on either side forming strange bodies.

The light flickering.

Roxanne felt a stitch in her side. She began to slow down, and Megamind looked back at her, only the shadow of his face visible. "We're almost there…"

"I'm fine, just… what's that?"

There was a sneaker in the middle of the road.

Megamind stopped, crouching ahead of her. "A shoe? What on earth? Do you know whose-?"

"I dunno," Roxanne gasped, pulling him around. "Keep going…"

Light flickering.

"But why would someone leave their shoe? There's rocks and snakes and bugs out here!"

Megamind was… probably just freaking himself out. Afraid to let go of his hand to smack him, she squeezed his hand hard instead. "A suitcase probably fell open or something."

"Or he was running from something…!"

They both jumped as something mechanical buzzed by the road behind them. Megamind broke into a sprint, and Roxanne cried out in protest as he pulled her along.

Flickering.

"What's wrong? What was that?"

"Idon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknow, run!"

The loose rocks slid out from under his feet, and he screamed, releasing Roxanne to save himself from falling on his face. "Megamind!" Roxanne cried, shining her light on him.

"Ow, ow, my hands…"

She grabbed him under the arms and yanked up up, pulling him forward behind her.

Something sharp touched her back, and she screamed.

Flickering.

"Roxanne!?"

"Runrunrunrun!"

He shouted in fear, and rocks scraped under him as he leapt to his feet, and she felt his hand snag hers as he bolted, dragging her with him. She cried out, barely able to keep her own footing.

"Almost-!"

Flick-

Megamind scraped to a stop, gasping, the shadow of his head changing shape as if turned to check the road. "It's further than I thought…"

"The light's about to die," Roxanne gasped.

He moaned in fear and tried to take the light from her, but she snatched it back. "I got it."

"We have to go fast…!"

"Than go!"

He ran, and she ran with him, and they let go of their hands.

 _ **The light went out.**_

They screamed.

"It's dark!"

"No kidding!" shouted Roxanne, turning her flashlight off and on again frantically. She grabbed for Megamind's shoulder but realized with terror that she couldn't find him. "Megamind!?"

"Roxanne!?" He was too far away.

"Don't leave me!"

"I can't find you!"

Something touched her. She screamed.

"Ah. Heh. Found you."

She wrapped her arms around him and groaned. "Don't do that!"

"Hmm, at last, you scream for me."

She scoffed and buried her head in his chest. She felt his arms around her shoulders, lighter than usual without his gloves. They were both breathing heavily, but he was chuckling.

"This whole time you've been trying to scare me on purpose haven't you?"

"Did it work?" he whispered.

"You evil little turd."

"Me? Evil? Miss Ritchi, you insult me. I'm obviously your protector! And that Vashta Nerada reference earlier? You're clearly the villain here. Shame on you."

She shuddered. "Can we not talk about that while we're in the dark?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Shame on me. _Weeping angels_."

She slammed her shoe into where she thought his shin would be. He yelped, then scoffed, and he stepped back out of her arms. She heard his footsteps take a circle in front of her.

"Megamind! There's still snakes out here, and we really need to get to the cabin. Can you fix my light again?"

"No, I told you, I can't. Your batteries are well and officially dead now."

"Then what are we gonna-?"

Suddenly his face was lit from underneath. He grinned evilly at her, as though telling a favorite ghost story.

"You had it the whole-! I am gonna _strangle_ -!"

"She's at a loss for words!" He exclaimed, and then released his head back in a familiar evil laugh. He walked over and took her hand, aiming the flashlight at the ground in front of them. It was much brighter than Roxanne's had been. "It's alright, my dear, I'm sorry. I couldn't help such a perfect opportunity. Do you want to hold it? Would that make you feel better?"

She snatched it from him, stuck out her tongue, and began leading the way back to the cabin again.

"So whose shoe _was_ that?" she asked, starting to smile a little herself.

"Psh, I have no idea. I was shooting arrows with you this whole time, remember? Just had to improvise for maximum scare effect."

She hummed and squeezed his hand. "It just occurs to me that if you really wanted to scare me, you could have set up a machine of some brainbots or something and had some weird little haunted forest type thing going on."

"Hmm, over the halloweens we've been through together, I've found that that usually doesn't work on you.

"Ooh, somebody's finally catching on."

"And I'm finally figuring out what _does_ work," he purred, grinning wickedly.

"Slenderman."

"Screw you."


	5. Bernard's Crisis

_**AN: Hi I'm still alive! Guess that weekly updated thing lasted all of five minutes. I kind of read back through my other stories, realized they were crap, and gave up. But I'm willing to try again? Maybe?**_

"Yeah… So apparently the only way I can attract a girl is to literally be Megamind."

As his mother chuckled and warbled contrived encouragements over the phone, Bernard leaned, groaning, into his kitchen sink. "Uh huh. Thanks mom," he droned. "Love you," and hung up.

He dried the last of the dishes, washed his hands once, twice… And then shoved his head under the stream of water, shaking it loosely. Uuuugggghhh...

So it was his face? That Megamind had used to woo that reporter chick? Literally used his image as a mask… And it had worked?

Shutting off the tap, he flipped back his hair and sent water slapping to the other side of the kitchen. The Minion had left a number, but calling was the last thing he wanted to do.

Why the crap would Megamind choose him? Why? No one liked him! He was so…

Bernard found himself in front of his bathroom mirror, frowning, his wet hair still dripping down his face. Oh yeah. Uh huh. What a freaking hunk. He looked like he had just been through a washing machine. Which he had, actually. Just a few hours ago. He still hadn't changed. Why would he? He was clean.

He tried for a smile. It was a sincere effort. Now he kinda looked like a pound puppy.

According to reports, Roxanne Ritchi had kissed Megamind while he was wearing this face. That attractive, famous, well-to-do lady had looked at this face and thought: Yep, that looks good, what a cool guy, I'd sure like to kiss that. And then she did. Proven fact. Already happened.

The crap…?

But she had already… He'd met her before. For interviews and stuff about Megamind. And she'd been nice, but in that I-feel-sorry-for-you-and-everyone-around-you kind of way. The chances of romance were zero. So what had Megamind done that changed that?

It really was his personality wasn't it?

 ** _AN: Please Review!_**


	6. Post Operation

**_AN: A sequel to my first chapter, in which Megamind prepares to preform brain surgery on Minion that will allow him to control his own robot body. That's still one of my favorites, and this has been in the works for a while. You won't be too confused if you don't run back to read that one first._**

Minion's fins swayed limply with the water as he sunk to the bottom of the tank.

"That bandage is a custom material I designed myself," Megamind explained to the unconscious fish as he carried the tank carefully through the door. The grey front of his shirt was soaked from filling it. "The inside is coated with oil that will protect your scales and make it painless to remove, but it's also waterproof and self-sanitizing…"

A little swarm or brainbots blew past him, off to clean up the lab. Five more followed behind at a distance, watching Megamind nervously. He set the tank down on the coffee table and sat on the couch nearby, never breaking eye contact.

Minions gills were moving, and his heart was beating as it should be. The sedative that they had used had been designed specifically for this, and Megamind was pretty sure he would wake up any second now.

The operation had not gone… as perfectly as he had hoped. Every so often he had set the tools down to step back and gather himself. He had accidently cut himself with the scalpel, and had to back off quickly to clean it out and stop the bleeding before he could continue. He had jarred Minion a few times, and the brainbots had saved him from nearly toppling the table all together when he tripped over the hose to the mist-ifying machine.

But he had been very careful when it came to the actual operation. It had taken four minutes and twenty six seconds, and he had sealed it up the best he could, clenching his fists every so often to stop his hands from shaking.

Now… was it good enough? Minion had survived, and would probably heal physically. But his brain was fine, right?

Megamind held his breath as he stared. One corner of Minion's square jaw rested on the bottom of the tank as the rest of him floated loosely.

"Minion?"

He squinted up at Megamind dumbly.

"Minion! Oh thank evil heavens, how are you feeling? You okay? How many fingers do you see?"

Minion's body sank lower in the tank, stabilizing on the bottom.

"Look, I'm holding up fingers. Can you see?" Megamind pressed two fingers against the glass so they wouldn't be distorted by the shape of the bowel. "Minion? How many fingers?"

Minion's eyes crossed as they slid closed once more. His body seemed to squish down into the bottom of the tank as it relaxed.

Biting his lip, Megamind leaned back on the couch, crossing his arms. This behavior really wasn't… unexpected. Minion had just had brain surgery after all. But the nightmarish idea kept flashing in his mind that somehow he had taken away that spark that made Minion… Minion.

What if he died? What if he became braindead?

Worse, what if somehow he just became a regular fish? A powerful shudder coursed through Megamind's body. He would have to keep him in a bowl and feed him, and Minion would just swim around stupidly… That couldn't actually happen, could it?

No… Megamind got off the couch and knelt on the floor. He rested his chin on the table and stared at Minion.

When they were kids, they had talked about what should happen to their bodies when they died. Megamind had wanted to be cremated and be sent into space. Minion had wanted to be flushed down the toilet.

"No!" He remembered saying. "I'm not flushing you like some normal fish!"

Minion had giggled and spun around in his bowl. "It's okay, I'll be dead! Plus it's funny."

"No it's not!"

They were kids then, so he supposed it shouldn't be taken too seriously. He wasn't sure what he would do, though. Probably bury him. That was usually the safe way to go.

Yep. Then he'd… probably… fight Metroman some more? He'd still do that right? Would he still want to?

He stared. He really, really wanted to tap the glass, try to wake Minion up, but he resisted, clasping his hands together. Let Minion sleep. His brain needed time to heal, get used to the implant. Not to mention he would probably have a killer headache when he woke up.

Which he definitely would. Probably. The surgery was okay, and Megamind was reasonably sure he had inserted and connected the implant correctly. He hadn't touched any other part of the brain when he had cut through the skull…

Oh gosh, Minion, wake _uuuuuup_ …

He waited five minutes, ten. He got up and paced.

Minion was definitely going to be okay. This whole fiasco was… a good thing. He was going to be able to control his own body! Yay! He was just tired right now, needed a little help and consideration…

Megamind shut down the unnecessarily loud machines and dimmed the lights. Yeah, that would make it a little more comfortable for when Minion woke up. Nice and dark and quiet.

Too quiet. Megamind groaned and clopped over to his computer.

Youtube. He needed some kind of music, something cheerful, without percussion. Piano? Sure. Happy piano music.

He scrolled through videos, frowning. They were all very pretty, but few as cheerful as they claimed. Were these even in a freaking major key? _Artists_ and their _emotions_! All he wanted was freaking HAPPY MUSIC.

You know what? Elevator music. That would have to do. He set it up to play quietly through the lair's speakers on a loop and went back to the table again, where he curled up on the floor in front of the couch, staring at Minion.

He waited another forty minutes and forced himself to think positively, about possible designs for the robot. He and Minion had shared whimsical ideas, but hadn't really talked seriously yet. A dinosaur? That would be cool…

Minion's eyes finally squinted open again, his brow ridge tense with pain.

Resisting the surge of relief and excitement that surged through him, Megamind carefully leaned forward instead, putting a gentle hand on the side of the glass so Minion would feel the slight disturbance in the water. "Hey Minion," he murmured. "Can you hear me?"

"Ugh."

Oh thank heavens he could still talk! Sort of. "Ok, fantastic. I told you everything would be fine! How do you feel?"

Minion stuck out his tongue and floated up in the water, leaning sideways.

"Right, okay, I'm going to take that as a theatrical response." Megamind smiled anxiously, moving his hand up and down on the glass so Minion would know he was there. His eyes were dilated and unfocused, but thank goodness he was responsive. That probably meant he would be fine.

"M' swimmin's all messed up…"

"Yeah, it's okay, that's temporary. It's gonna be kind of hard to orient yourself for a while. Can you feel me on the side of the tank?"

"Nuh"

"You can't?" Megamind tapped the glass gently. "Can you feel that?"

"Uuuuhhh do it again…"

Frowning, Megamind took off his glove and touched the surface of the water, stirring it slowly. Minion's mouth hung open. "Izzat the top?"

"Yeah, I'm at the top now. Can you feel my hand?"

Lethargically moving his fins, Minion attempted to right himself, but only tilted to the opposite side. Megamind considered reaching in and helping him, but thought better of it, pulling away. "There's stuff on my head," Minion moaned.

"That's a bandage. It's okay, but it'll have to stay, at least for a few days."

Minion's gills flared out as he sighed and sunk again to the glass bottom, squeezing his eyes shut.

"But hey, it worked! The implants in, everything looks okay! It all went pretty okay. You okay?"

Minion's jaw fell loosely open, eyes still closed.

"You alright? Minion?"

He began to tilt further sideways.

Megamind stood up. He paced. He turned the music off. He washed his hands. He stared at Minion. He put some bread in the toaster, drank some milk, washed his hands again and stared at Minion.

"You still awake?" He coaxed gently, tapping the table. "Want some toast?"

Minion came to rest on his side at the bottom of the tank, moaning softly, his boneless fin squished beneath him.

When the toast popped, Megamind buttered one for himself and put the other in the freezer. Minion didn't like hot food. Returning to the table, Megamind knelt and rested his chin again in front of the tank. Staring at the bandages. Staring at Minion's teeth.

When they were really young, Minion's teeth would come in bigger and faster than his little mouth could handle. Megamind remembered waking up without him one day, apparently because he'd been crying for warden in the middle of the night, hurting and terrified.

So Megamind had read up on dentistry and removed the problem. It had seemed like the obvious thing to do. But...

From the faint images Megamind could remember, an adult… _Minionfish_... was supposed to have big canines on the sides of their lower jaw. Huge. But they had only been an inch and a half when little guppy Minion was _screaming_ , and his whole mouth was _bleeding_ , and Megamind had been so sure that he'd die if they didn't come out…

He put his hand elbow-deep in the tank and stroked Minion's side with the back of his finger. His gills flared, and his eyes blinked barely open.

Now he'd never be the way he was supposed to be. This water was probably different, his diet was probably different. Same for both of them. They could be completely deformed thanks to this planet, and not even know it. That was a nice thought. Bad gravity, bad air, _freaks_ even for being _freaks_ , and now he was trying to throw a foreign robot body on top of it? What was he _thinking_?

He rubbed his eyes and swallowed.

"You don't need this, you know," Megamind choked. "You don't need a body of you don't want one."

"Hm?"

"I'm... sorry... I ever made you feel like you needed a body to be useful to me." He used his other hand to hide his face, though he doubted Minion could see much beyond the glass. He could feel him lean into the fold of his fingers.

"Minion, you're special." He dared to meet his half-lidded eye. "Anyone can walk around and do work. I can hire people for that. That's easy. You… You're you. I don't want to change you into something you're not."

Minion's gills opened and closed slowly, and he hummed, pressing into Megamind's palm.

Megamind grinned and rubbed Minion's side with his thumb, the clunky bandage rough in his hand. "Fantastic fish," he chuckled. "Why do you have to do everything I ask you to? It's not fair."

"Hm?"

"Are you sure you want this?"

"Want what?"

Megamind barked out a laugh and carefully withdrew his hand, laying Minion down to rest again. He wiped it on his shirt. "Silly ichthyoid… Want some toast?"

"Kay."

They'd already talked about whether or not Minion wanted the implant several times. It was too late to backtrack, anyway. Megamind went to fetch Minion's toast, gliding on light toes, and grinned at Minion's sleepy but expectant face.

As he sat back down, Minion righted himself, rolling against the bottom of the tank. "Can I be a gorilla?" he asked.

 _ **Pfffft**_ , "Can you what?"

"Can my robot thingy be a gorilla?" He still looked half asleep. "Like Tarzan's mom?"

Megamind scoffed and giggled, breaking off a piece of cold toast. "I keep telling you, Minion," He let it soak on the surface of the water, and then sink down. "Kala is not even a Disney Princess."

"You're right," mumbled Minion with slowly closing eyes. "She's a Disney _Queeeen_ …"

The soggie piece of bread fell on the bandage on Minion's head. He didn't notice it until it slid down to rest under the corner of his jaw. Startled, he began to float up sideways, eyes crossing. "I-ugh!" He fluttered his fins as his body flipped over, beyond his control. "Can't swim!"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Megamind reached in and steadied Minion with one hand, carefully pulling out the toast with the other. Going belly-up didn't automatically mean death, but it was still scary to watch. "Maybe later," he murmured. "Okay, buddy… Easy…"

Minion's face was tight with nausea as he let himself sink again, "Sorry," he moaned.

"Shh, it's okay," Megamind stirred the surface of the water again so Minion could feel where it was. "You okay? Should I change the water? How's the temperature?"

"Mmrgh." Minion's eyes squeezed shut, his mouth pressed against the curved glass. He smiled a little and mumbled, "You're such a mamafish."

Megamind gasped, smiling despite himself. "You...! Are! Probably not going to remember any of this anyway!" He pulled his hands out when he noticed Minion's eyes drooping, and rubbed the side of the bowl, standing up. "We'll talk more when you're feeling better, hm?"

Minion grunted, and he was out again.

As for himself, Megamind was feeling much better. He found some more engaging music and his sketch pad. A gorilla, huh? Synthetic fur? Hmm. Yesss...


End file.
